Revving the engine

First off, this

is the one of the most beautiful and amazing pieces of technology I've seen in a long time. I'm a fan of CBC 1 and 2 (and occasionally 3, when I get the chance to listen to something that isn't Disney) and this radio would fit into my life quite nicely. I love the design of it, especially the use of the CBC logo as cover for the speaker. I hope - hope - that Science&Sons, the company that came up with this concept, is able to produce it for fans soon. Christmas is only 11 months away. (found via The Canadian Design Resource)

I've been struggling for the last few days, trying to get into a 'work' mode that doesn't result in me throwing my hands up in frustration. It doesn't help that I seem to be finding every excuse in the book to not do any work. But, with a little determination and a bit of cajoling, I think we're caught up on our housework and there aren't any major appointments or meetings scheduled for the next 6 days (then Keith leaves for the Select for 6 days), so there is no reason I can't get something done.

Question is, what? I tried to make a few actual shopping bags, based on the ones you can buy in store - the very boxy, kind of bland... boring, really. Also more challenging that I need. I'm a competent sewer, not an amazing one, so when it came to piecing it together and actually sewing the seams so it would hold together, I lost control of the project and - long story, short - I have a few bags without handles and gaping corner seams in my possession.

Lesson learned: work from a real pattern. And don't try anything that's beyond my skill level. Sure, I'd love to design the next Birkin bag, but the reality is I'll be lucky to design the next dollar store reject. Well, not really, but I can't go into this thinking I can do much beyond some slightly-more-complex-than-simple projects.

So, tomorrow, I'm going to sit down and attempt to get 3 or 4 bags done. I'm hoping to stay away from anything that seems mundane, but I'd like to stick with simple. But practical. Kind of like these bags, but with more of a personalized twist. What that twist is, I'm still trying to figure out, but I'm hoping it will come to me soon. I'm probably going to be doing other bags, too, like little make-up bags and lunch sacks, but it's hard to keep from getting ahead of myself with plans when I haven't even started making anything that could be remotely sell-able.  Fingers crossed, it will all come together. Soon.

I'm still trying to dabble a bit in actual graphic design, too, but I'm finding that it's taking more of a backseat to everything than I like. We're still trying to work out a working schedule for me so that Keith can take care of Maddy more on his days off, leaving me more time to work on my stuff, but being a procrastinator and eternal pessimist, I have no problem finding things to do instead of work. The pessimism comes into play when I start panicking too much and pretty much convince myself that there is no way that anyone is going to ever want to buy anything I make. But then I come back to the argument 'How do I know that without actually trying?'. I'm much closer to taking the actual, real plunge and put myself and the products I make out there, but it's hard to keep the 'you and your work sucks' wolves at bay.

The more things change...

So.

After a rather intense discussion yesterday with Keith and a few family members about what I plan on doing to get a steady income, I've decided that I'm going ahead with my plans to make and sell bags.

I'm also going to try to get a job. I'm looking at something part-time, hopefully with flexible hours, nothing too out of my league... I don't want to go back to cooking, but I will if I have to. I'll hate it and want to quit every single day, but perhaps being in that situation will encourage me to work harder at this bag thing.

Ha. Ha. Who am I kidding? I'm a sucker for punishment and tend to stay in jobs that I despise for years. I quit the ones I like too soon and often regret it the second I leave.

I'm not giving up the graphic design thing, either. I've come to realize that the market I'm in is quite saturated with designers and I'm nowhere near the skill level of many of them. The ones who call themselves 'designers' and use Microsoft Publisher to produce their friend's wedding invitations are the ones I would be competing against, sadly. I live in a community that is very incestuous - it's all about who you know and what family you're from. I have the experience, but I don't work at one of the big print shops or know the movers and shakers, so I'm SOL for the most part. However, there is a bit of interest with the wedding stationery designing I'm offering. My mom's asked for samples to show to some prospective clients and the big wedding show is here next weekend - and I will have flyers in the goody bags of one of the bridal shops in town (thank you, Keith). So maybe I'll get some jobs from that.

With everything that's been going on lately, I feel like I'm in a much better place in terms of the future. The last thing I want to be doing is something I don't enjoy or can't be successful at, but I still need to help pay bills and put food in Maddy's mouth. It's hard coming to the realization that your plans are not going to go exactly the way you want them to, but I certainly do not plan on giving them up entirely. No matter how many fights or sleepless nights I have because of my decision. Do I think I can be successful? Yes, but everyone thinks that when they start out with some new initiative. My difference is I'm damn well going to be successful. Anyone who doesn't believe me can go poison someone else with their negativity because I'm sure as hell not going to take it anymore.

Push came to shove

Well, after denying reality for a month, it looks like I'm going to have to get a job. A real, out-of-the-house job that pays really, really well. There's a couple in town that I plan on applying for, but I'm not holding my breath. If I have to work at a job that pays minimum wage, I may as well work 2 just to make ends meet. I hate this feeling of defeat and have almost convinced myself that it was a massive mistake to quit my newspaper job.

And I've changed my plans for the crafty-like stuff I'm going to hopefully produce and sell. I've decided that I'm going to make bags.

Quite the change from the graphic design plans I had yesterday, I know, but I know I can make (design and sew) bags for sale. I'm going to do reusable shopping bags to begin with, and then move on to lunch bags, messenger bags, kids' bags... it is entirely possible that making and selling bags will be more profitable than graphic design.  Keith thinks that one could lead to the other, and it could... I guess. Once I get the hang of screen printing, I could - theoretically - design my own prints. I also need a bigger workspace to do screenprinting as we live in a tiny, 700 sq. ft. 60+ yr old house with virtually no storage. It's awesome. (I do like my house, but it is small. I fear I will end up on Hoarders one day because someone will mistake our stuff for a severe mental disorder.)

I just want to be happy with what I'm doing. I like being at home, taking care of Maddy, but I have to be productive while I'm here. And until I start getting paid to keep house, I guess I'll have to face facts and start the job hunt. Again.

Proof is in the pudding

After months of procrastination and laziness (hey, why not be honest?), I'm finally finishing projects that I've started. It's sad, really... I've always been someone who can beat deadlines and actually enjoy pressure when I work, but when it comes to *this* - working on my own stuff - I've been pretty lax on finishing what I start.

Project #1 - A new background for my Twitter page. I've been meaning to do this for a while, probably since I signed up 3+ years ago (yep, I was an early joiner... and then forgot about it completely for 2+ years). I've been so used to doing what could be described as bland and lifeless designs for so long, thanks to my many years in print, that something like this takes me forever to do. Newsprint is horrible to work with - inks set differently, you have to hope and pray that your paper is at a good spot on the press run that it doesn't turn reds to orange or blues to grey. The few times I've worked with glossy or digital, I've gone with more gradients and levels of opacity. I like the final result here, but I'm sure I'll change it.

Project #2 - New blog banner. I've been working on this for quite a while. I didn't want something that stuck out like a sore thumb or too flashy, but also something that wasn't too boring or mundane. I'm not 100% happy with what the end result is, but it is infinitely better than what was there before. I've worked on some parts of the layout of the blog, too, to match up with the new banner. Not totally set on what I've done there, either, but it's a work in progress.

Project #3 - Maddy's summer clothes. My mom taught me how to sew when I was in Brownies. She made a good portion of the clothes my sister and I wore until she went back to work when I was 10. I did fairly well in the sewing portion of Home Ec in grade 8 and have been sewing recreationally - mostly repairs to jeans and work uniforms - since. My dad got my mom a new sewing machine about 10 years ago and I inherited her old (like 30+ years) Singer machine. I like the idea of creating something that is actually useable - clothing is way to expensive in the stores when you can whip together a shirt in an afternoon for a fraction of the price. Like this material - I hit the local fabric store this weekend during their 50% sale. There's enough material there to make 10-12, if not more, summer shirts/dresses for Maddy. Total cost? $28, including tax and the $8 spool of thread... so basically $20 for the material to make what would normally cost me $120+ in the stores. I'm determined to make as many of Maddy's clothes until she vehemently protests, which I figure is by the time she's 13.

I'm aiming to start using this blog better, highlighting more of my work and plans. Now that I've got two projects down, I should be able to work on my ever-growing to-do list of things I want to get done. I've been trying to figure out how to work on my 'stuff' while being a stay-at-home mom with a 1 year old. Time is always short, but as Maddy keeps developing and growing, she's able to play more by herself on her side of the gate without needing me every second of the day. She's trying to go down to 1 nap a day, which has been a massive adjustment for everyone, so what little time I had to myself is even less now. But I don't hold a grudge against her for any of this - it's teaching me how to be more efficient and organized if anything. And being more organized is something I desperately needed to learn.

I think things are going well. I just need to stick with it and not get disheartened by any slowdowns. *fingers crossed*

A new chapter

I have decided against making any New Year's resolutions this year. Like 99% of the population, I've made resolutions in the past and failed to keep them, so I figured that this year, I would avoid the inevitable and just not resolve to do anything.

Instead, I'm making plans. Big plans. Ginormous plans. Monumental plans. Plans that will (hopefully) change a lot of things in my life.

• Business - I am going to start my own business. I am going to take the $200 leap and get a business license so I can do all of *this* above board and legitimately as possible. 
• Organization - Keith gave me a wonderfully awesome day planner for Christmas and I intend on using it daily. I also plan to have my desk cleared off and organized by the end of the week. I can't live lurching moment to moment anymore.
• Family - Because I plan on working from home, for the most part, I don't want to spend my family time - pretty much anytime that Keith's not working - playing catchup with housework or dealing the inconsequential stuff that I've been taking on. I know that there's no way for us to spend all of our family time doing family stuff, but I want to spend more of it together and not doing laundry or dishes or running errands.
• Creative/Skill Building - I want to learn how to make jewelry this year. And I plan on making a lot of Maddy's summer clothes. I would like to either take a photography class or even just learn by trial-and-error how to take better pictures. No point in going overboard, but those three are on the 'must do' list this year.

I think 2010 will be a good year for me. Now that I'm not guided by a job, I have to think for myself and choose my destiny (ooooh, look at me wax philosophical...), and by doing so, maybe I'll learn a bit more about myself. This year was the year of some pretty massive changes, so why can't 2010 be the year where I apply what I learned from those changes?

The only thing holding me back from my plans is a lack of will. And a bit of disorganization. More the former than the latter, really... it's time to, as they say, put up or shut up. I think I'm ready for a bit of a fight this year.

Sticking my toe in the water

I've been spending a fair amount of 'free' time I have lately trying to find inspiration to get moving on my somewhat-potentially-misguided attempt at working for myself. I've been scouring various - 100+ plus at this point - design blogs, looking for something to make me go 'I can do that. In fact, I can do it better!' in hopes that I will, in fact, do something that is better.

I am not a fan of replication. I have no problem with variation, but trying to do something someone else has done without even trying to put your own style on it? That's not design; that's no better than plagiarism, and as a journalist in a former life, that's completely sacreligious. A big no-no. I like to be inspired to do something fresh and new, not something that looks like 15 other things out there.

And there will be an occasional case where something I come up with will be quite similar to someone else's product, but it is more than likely pure coincidence, and not an attempt to move in on their territory. I know what I like, and I know my skill level. There are a lot of things out there I have no hopes of replicating or want to. I don't like frou-frou stuff, but I do have a great admiration for a lot of pre-WWII art and will take full advantage of being influenced by it.

As for the blogs I've been scouring, I've bookmarked a lot of them here. One day, I'll try to get around to including them on my blog as a permanent, always-evolving list, but for now, this is the easiest method. And because I'm not only a graphic designer but a crafter, too, there are a small, but growing, number of non-GD blogs I've got on that list. I want to try my hand at jewelry design sometime in the next year and would like to start sewing more, but as with everything else in my life right now, time is not on my side. But with a little organization and help from Keith and my mom (and anyone else who's willing), I should be able to set aside some time to actually work on my products. *fingers crossed*

Here goes...

My attempt at getting some freelance work. This is actually a business card prototype - likely the winner in final bracket of 7 - that I'm planning on handing out and pinning up on bulletin boards around town. I like it, I think people will like it and it's hopefully what will get me some work and help pay the bills.

In case you're interested, I work (and have for 13, almost 14, years) in print. I have a wee bit of web experience, but it's nothing to write home about. Compiling a portfolio to put online is on my list of things I need to do, but haven't yet. I'm the first to admit that my skills aren't the greatest, but they've improved vastly over the last 6 or 7 years and I'm always willing to learn and figure out new techniques. I'm quick and try to be original, but take a lot of influence from eras gone by, especially pre-WWII.

So, that's it. My first step into the wonderful world of freelance. My name is out there. Or, rather, my prototype business card is out there. Kind of exciting, yet nauseating all at the same time.

Precipice

With less than 2 days of work to go (Friday is our company Christmas party and an early release from work afternoon), I've managed to keep fairly 'busy' doing 'things' at my not-as-ugly-as-I-remember job. I didn't have much to do with the last issue of the year last week during production and have spent the majority of my 8 days archiving and tidying.

The excitement. It never ends.

This is why tomorrow, I plan on spending my day doing as little actual constructive work as possible. I have one thing that has to be done - a wrap-up/to-do list for my replacement. If all goes according to plan, she'll be the one who's been doing my job for the last few months. And because my company is completely inept when it comes to being proactive about training and management, she's missing big chunks of how the office is actually supposed to run. It doesn't help that the previous manager is/was a moron and that the new one wants as little to do with the non-newspaper side of the office as possible. He (the new boss, who just strikes me as off in a way I can't quite put my finger on) has yet to realize that he's the one who is responsible for everything that goes on in the office and that he is the face of the office. He is expected to attend certain events; he is expected to do things that he is asked to; he has responsibilities that his staff can not, nor should not, do. And then there's his abject opposition to the weather...

Tomorrow is my last real day of work at the paper. I don't know if I'll ever work at another paper, but if I do, it won't be for a while. A long while. I think this job has done what every other newspaper job has threatened to do: change my approach to my career. I like designing. I like editing. I hate writing. I want to design and edit for a living. There are no jobs for designing editors around here, so I have to make one for myself.

My plan tomorrow is to have a cup of coffee (or several) and go through 50 of the world's best design blogs (found via Etsy's Twitter feed). I'm not sure if I'll find inspiration or discouragement by gorging myself on other people's designs, but I think it's a nice way to spend a day, trapped in a sunless office with a boss who barely speaks.

I'm still working on what I'm going to do after Friday. I have a list that I'm working on of what I can do, what I want to do, and what I have to do. I've been tossing around the idea of setting a deadline for myself - if I don't make $X by X day, I have to find a job - but I worry that doing something like that is only going to force me to either produce shit or give up and just get a damn job. I don't want a damn job, I want to work for myself. Problem is, what the hell am I going to do to keep from having to get that damn job?

Awe.Some.

I go back to my job next Monday, working 2 weeks at full-time hours in order to avoid repaying my employer the few thousand dollars they used to 'top up' my EI payments for 17 weeks. I am also starting the last 2 weeks at said job next Monday.

Because I work for a procedure and policy crazy company, I am not allowed to either be demoted or cut my hours for my position. So I quit. Not officially yet, though... I'm making them wait until Monday when I can access my work email to send the official word. This also delays their search for my replacement by a week, missing out on the ever-popular weekend help wanted ads. But I know, and they likely know, too, that the person who will get my job is doing my job right now as my 'replacement'.

Maybe this happened for a reason. I certainly was not looking forward to going back to work. Especially at this job. I've lost a lot of admiration for my job over the last 18-20 months. I like being a designer and editor, but not under severe restrictions and rules. So maybe this decision by my boss and his boss (and likely with heavy handed input from HR) is going to make my hopes to be self-employed move a little faster. I haven't really done anything beyond work on some designs and collect some graphics for the last few weeks, but now, with no job after the 18th, which also means no income, maybe getting back to work on actually legitimately starting this 'business' is something I should be doing.

Or maybe I should just go and find a part-time job for a bit to help with bills while I work on my plans. I don't want to assume that I'm going to find a job immediately - it is the Christmas season, but I finish at my job a week before Christmas, so it's pretty unlikely I'd start anywhere for a while - but I need to have a plan. Or several.

I have no idea what the future holds, but I don't plan on just throwing in the towel and taking whatever job I can. I need to keep my family in mind when looking and I'd like to actually like my job for a change, and if I can find something that's a little different from what I tend to end up doing (cooking, newspapers), even better. A little change of pace probably wouldn't hurt.

In a perfect world, I wouldn't go back to work at all and happily do my 'specialized stationery', as I've started referring to my projects as, staying at home, raising my daughter. Money wouldn't be an issue and it would be all sunshine and rainbows all the time. In reality, we have bills to pay, a house to maintain and a daughter to raise. I have a feeling that I'm going to lose this battle and end up working full-time anyway, putting my dreams on hold, yet again, potentially forever this time.

At freaking last

I've got the printer. I've got the graphics (some of them, anyway). I have what may pass as a plan.

And apparently I have a dozen or so designs done. This, the design on the left, is one of those dozen. It's not bad, I think. I spent the better part of what free time I've had the last few days working on the designs. They certainly aren't my best work, but considering I haven't done any design in over a year, they're not bad.

There's a strong pre-WWII theme that seems to be influencing what I'm doing. And I have no problem with that. I don't intend to stay in only one era with my designs, but I do like the sleekness of Art Deco/Nouveau, while admiring the complexity of the artwork that came out of Medieval Europe. I'm not a fan of 'newer' design - in fact, I would have to say that almost everything post-1980 seems really contrived to me. Perhaps it's because that's what I've been exposed to most being a member of the illustrious Generation X, but I really do find it boring. And overdone.

So a few designs under my belt and I've got tons more floating around in my head. I'm still fiddling with the printer situation - my inkjet isn't printing in black and white the way I want, while the laserjet is printing beautifully in black and white and does not do colour. And it was probably a good descision on my part to buy the cheaper cardstock rather than the $15-for-25-sheets pack. I've got a nifty stack of 'wasted' cardstock (don't worry, they will be recycled) sitting here, proving that I am a designer and everyone who thinks that I would be better off stuffing envelopes for a living can piss off.

(The design is one of a series of bookplates that I'm working on. I'm not sure I'm happy with the end results and may not offer them up for sale, but if you're interested in them, drop me a line and I'll see what I can do.)

Running out of excuses

The Art Institute of Vancouver has a Right Brain vs Left Brain Creativity Test. I've been doing a lot of self-debating lately over my future prospects with the designing/crafting stuff I'm looking at getting into and thought the test could be a good gauge for me to see if I do have what it takes.

Just a bit of background - I was never pegged to be a creative person in high school. With all the aptitude tests we took, my results always came back with more labour-intensive jobs than anything. I never flexed my creative muscles in high school - I didn't start doing anything creative, outside of typical childhood crafts, until I was in my third year of university and joined the student newspaper. And, as they say, the rest is history.

My results:

Thank you for taking the Creativity Test. The results show your brain dominance as being:

Left Brain	Right Brain
44%	56%

You are more right-brained than left-brained. The right side of your brain controls the left side of your body. In addition to being known as right-brained, you are also known as a creative thinker who uses feeling and intuition to gather information. You retain this information through the use of images and patterns. You are able to visualize the "whole" picture first, and then work backwards to put the pieces together to create the "whole" picture. Your thought process can appear quite illogical and meandering. The problem-solving techniques that you use involve free association, which is often very innovative and creative. The routes taken to arrive at your conclusions are completely opposite to what a left-brained person would be accustomed. You probably find it easy to express yourself using art, dance, or music. Some occupations usually held by a right-brained person are forest ranger, athlete, beautician, actor/actress, craftsman, and artist.

Dead on. And scarily so. Except for most of those occupations - definitely not cut out to be a forest ranger, athlete, beautician or actor/actress.

So maybe it's not so far-fetched that I could be successful at this design thing as I thought. Guess now that I have the printer, and these results, I have no excuses not to take the big leap and let people see my work and maybe, just maybe, buy it.

Or not.

Who knows.

Pessimism, thy name is me.

Clichés abound!

Now that fall's been eliminated from our calendars, winter's starting to set in and it's definitely not welcome. Take a very early season change, add in the craziness over H1N1, mix in a general feeling of 'blah' with everything else, and you've got the makings for one hell of a depressing 6 months.

But there are tiny, minuscule glimpses of potentially good things in the near future. Now that I've settled on what I want to do - various forms of non-traditional/standard stationery - I can start moving forward and doing research. I'm still debating the whole 'Do I become a small business now or wait?' question; there's the matter of all the upfront costs of not only becoming a small business in my province, but the money I'll need to actually get supplies to get started. Good thing I've got all this time on my hands to do the grunt work on all of this.

I did have a plan similar to the one I'm about to enter into a couple of years ago, before I got pregnant with my daughter. I know the very basics of what I need to do (incorporate or not? do a name search or not? come up with a business plan or not?), so I shouldn't have to go through all of that again. The only question is when - do I start going full steam ahead on all of this now, or do I start putting out feelers, see what products actually sell and then get the ball rolling on setting up a business?

Thinking about all the work I have ahead of me just to be able to sell little bits of paper makes my head hurt. A lot.

But I want to do it. It gives me the freedom I've been looking for in a job for years now; it also allows me to raise our daughter. Is there a local market for what I want to do? Yeah, no. Is there a more broad - perhaps, online - market? From what I've seen, yes. Can I tap into that? Yes, if I get my act together and take the plunge rather than harping on about wanting to do it for a change.

For the time being, I'm going to look into selling my photos. I'm hopefully going to get printing quotes this week from local printers and then I can go ahead and start hawking them online. It's not what I was originally planning on doing, but if I was going to do what I had originally planned on, I would be up to my eyeballs in papiér mache and craft paint. I think I'll be much happier in the direction I've settled on.

Fall? What fall?

Summer's over.

Officially.

Crap. We didn't even get a fall this year. Straight from gross heat 10 days ago to snow. Fantastic.

It's also officially 2 months until I go back to work. I'm reconsidering my pledge to not go back for more than the required 2 weeks. My boss quit (today was her last day) and her departure is making me think really long and hard about leaving for good. I may just try to make a deal with my new editor to work part-time when I go back. The money's almost worth it, but there's still a lot of other things to take into consideration, too.

I've started doing a bit of designing every day this week. With my return to work coming up and Christmas and winter, not to mention Maddy's ever-increasing development and the start of her realizing her independence, I'm finding myself wondering what I'm going to do to keep the cabin fever at bay. I think I've narrowed what I want to do to bring in some extra money (besides work) down to either a small stationery 'business' (I don't want to use that word necessarily, but it's the only one I can come up with right now) or an attempt to make little bits of jewelry and other small handicrafts. I'm probably going to set up an Etsy store to get my potential work out to the masses, but at this point, I'm still figuring things out. But I am much farther along than I was a week ago. Even pulled out the smelly laptop to do some work this week. Made me realize how craptacularly slow it really is, but handy nonetheless.

Fingers crossed I can keep up the small amount of momentum that I've got going for me.

---

I used a technique on the lily photo I found on Dooce.com. I love the look of Heather's photos and am always looking for new ways to make my pictures look just a little different than the original.

Also, should anyone pop by and deride me for supporting Dooce, stuff it. I like what Heather writes, but don't always agree with her. She seems like the type of person I'd probably be friends with if she lived on the edge of the Canadian prairies. In fact, I think I have a friend just like her and her personality (and sheer outrageousness) is what makes her (my friend) bloody awesome. So take your little junior high bitchfest somewhere else. I'm beyond caring what you have to say :)

Stumbling links

I'm a big fan of using StumbleUpon when I'm bored and feel like I've reached the end of the internet, something that happens on an almost-daily basis.

I've found some amazing sites by stumbling - FOUND Magazine, Gawker, The Pioneer Woman, and a re-make of the Star Wars opening credits. Of my 1100+ bookmarks on del.icio.us, most were found by stumbling.

Today's finds - craftgawker and COLORlovers were my prime finds. I have only spent a few minutes at each site, but I'm sure that when I find more than 10 minutes where I'm not trying to play catch-up with everything else on my to-do list, I'll end up lost in one of those site's depths.

craftgawker is already making me think about what I can do to possibly make some extra cash. The designs and ideas that some people come up with are just astounding and incredibly intimidating for someone like me, someone who hasn't really accepted the fact that I have, in fact, been a crafter for years and it may just be time that I take advantage of this 'talent' and make some money off of it. (And with craftgawker comes foodgawker, another site that will likely become a favourite fairly quickly.)

COLORlovers... god. What a beautiful site. Colors intrigue me - I'm fascinated at how some colors can work together so well and accomplish so much for a designer. I've used kuler as my go-to for color ideas for the last couple of years, but I think I've found a new favourite. (It's been really, really hard to write anything about this site without spelling it COLOUR. Damn Canadian spelling rules.)

So there's how I spent a chunk of my Sunday, when I wasn't occupied with my 9-month old (how the hell did that happen?) or baking bread or doing laundry. See, I can procrastinate and accomplish a lot all at the same time. Perhaps I deserve a slice of chocolate chip banana loaf for that achievement today :)

Crap shoot

As part of my 'how do I make enough money to keep us out of the poor house' research, I've come up with some pretty out there ideas to, well, make money once I quit my job in December. I will be working part-time somewhere to help - and to get out of the house and see adults for a few hours here and there - so it's not like I'm putting all of my perverbial financial eggs in one basket or anything.

I feel like I have to explain that - the part-time job - to everyone when they ask what I'm doing come the end of my materinty leave. In reality, it's none of their damn business, but I can see why some of my friends are concerned. For the last 8 or 9 years, I've always had at least 2 jobs at a time. I seemed to thrive on working all the time. I never made much above minimum wage, but I liked being busy.

Anyway, so my ideas to bring in the dough. I'm a creative person, but not in a drawing/painting way. I can draw stick people and even then, they're pretty pathetic. I can, however, build things and sew and cross-stitch and do crafts, for lack of a better term. So I'll probably try to focus on things like that to bring in some extra cash.

I've also discovered, or re-discovered, that I'm a half-decent photographer. True, evidence of this on this particular blog may not support that statement, but I have an affinity for nature, especially fauna, photography. Such as this:

This particular shot was taken earlier this week, around noon, in my backyard. We have a few birdfeeders for the vast variety of birds we have throughout the year, including a sunflower seed feeder. We didn't notice until a couple of weeks ago that there were some strange flowers popping up on the lawn and the patio. I thought they were weeds or something that may have blown into the yard, but no. They were sunflowers. It's too bad it was so late in the season by the time they started sprouting or we may have had a semi-decent sunflower seed harvest for the feeders over the winter.

To get the shot, I held my Nikon Coolpix P80 under the flower and shot at roughly a 120º angle. I should mention, too, that the flower was only 4 or 5 inches tall, too. I used the Close-up setting, the one setting I've found to be the best for this type of photography. For my next major camera, I'd love to have one with a manual lens, but that's a long way off; right now, this is the perfect camera for me and what I use it for (mainly the close to 10,000 photos of my daughter... thank god for digital).

I've got lots of photos along the same lines. I was on a kick this summer of shooting up from under plants, trying to catch the sunlight through petals and leaves to get interesting illuminations. Some worked, some did not. Trial and error and all that, I guess. I've always loved taking pictures, something I inherited from my dad, but this is probably the first time in years that I've actually thought about what I'm taking pictures of.

And now that I've got a decent collection of random shots of fauna from this summer, I'm going to make a calendar. I plan on making it the Christmas gift to most of my family and friends and maybe, just maybe, finding somewhere to perhaps sell it, should it turn out. I will never, ever profess to be the 'best' at anything, but I think this idea may be a profitable one. If I ever get around to it.

One of these days... I swear

I haven't actually designed anything for over a year now. And suddenly, with less than 3 months until I go back to work, I'm finding myself wanting to design. I've been coming up with ideas for different things - finger puppets, desktop wallpaper, pillows, jewelry boxes - but haven't really done anything about it.

Yes, procrastination rears it's ugly head... again.

But this it's more than procrastination. It's trepidation and a realistic lack of time. I'm mom to a very active 8.5-month old, and while I don't work, I have very little time to myself to do anything besides housework.

The trepidation comes from the knowledge - and I admit this freely to anyone who asks - that I have no formal training whatsoever in design. I was working towards a Bachelor's degree in History (with minors in Political Science and Geography) when I quit 7 years ago. Not exactly an education that screams 'creativity'. Heck, it was barely an education to begin with - I only stayed in university so I could keep working at the student newspaper where I learned to write properly (take that, grade 9 English!), take decent photos and the basics of graphic design.

So, yes, I have experience designing, but no formal education, which has been my downfall when it comes to getting a decent job. But I have experience, which counts for something.

As an aside, I tend to over-rationalize some things, like this whole design thing. I know I can do it, but will I let myself? And what list of excuses will I use this time to prevent myself from doing so?

But back to the point I'm attempting to make (and if you've stuck it out this far, yay!) - there's a craving to start designing again somewhere in my head. The only thing I can realistically see holding me up (outside of the usual suspects of procrastination and trepidation) is the logistically problem of actually designing something. I looooove working with vectors and I've tried using some of the free programs out there and nope, can't do it. My only other choice is to go back to my 2002-ish iBook and use Illustrator. That'd be the one for the first edition of CS. I don't have the money to splash out on CS4 right now (or perhaps ever) and I'm technologically inept when it comes to getting it the **other** way.

And there's the fact that my laptop smells, too. That stinks. Ha. Ha.

I have a design for a desktop wallpaper that's been bouncing around for a couple of days, working it's way into something that I could theoretically do, if I have the right tools. And it looks like I've got the right tools... I just need a push (and time) to actually do it.

A Stitch In Time

I had all these intentions on putting my daughter down to nap, grabbing breakfast and a coffee and sitting down to do something productive that doesn't involve housework or my daughter.

I guess spending a good chunk of time hunting down album covers for iTunes is productive, in a sense. I mean, it's not like I ever use the full-scale iTunes player - I always use the mini player or the FoxyTunes extension on my brower, so my desperate obsession with having all my albums have covers is a little redundant.

I'm still working on some 'projects', mostly for my daughter. There's only one that has gone from the stuck-in-my-head phase, an animal mobile that will eventually hang over her change table. Maddy's fascinated with animals of all shapes and sizes, especially jungle/zoo animals. That probably comes from the overabundance of quilts in her room with that particular theme, but it's much easier (and cheaper) to go along with that kind of theme than some of the other ones available.

I didn't want to buy a mobile for her because a) I can make one and b) I'm cheap. I'm pretty sure the total cost for this mobile, with it's dozen or so animals will cost me in the range of $12, most of that on felt. I went to this site and downloaded some of the pages to use as templates to make the animals. The biggest challenge for me, the inept crafter, was figuring out how to keep the template on the felt while I cut it. I solved that problem the only way I could - with staples. Looking back, pins would have been an acceptable solution, but I don't have pins for some odd reason.

I do, however, have skeins and skeins of embroidery floss, which I've discovered is infinitely easier to use than yarn when sewing these animals up. They're only 4 or 5 inches high, some less than an inch wide, so the thinner the thread, the better. I'm not an expert sewer by any stretch of the imagination, but I do know how to do a simple whip stitch along the side to at least attach the two pieces of felt together, keeping the stuffing inside, and make it somewhat attractive, perhaps even useful.

So I've got a dozen or so random zoo/jungle animals- lion, tiger, elephant, gorilla, giraffe (Maddy's favourite animal EVER) - to go on this mobile. All cut out, ready to be sewn and stuffed. Because I'm a mom to an 8-month old who's started to move very, very quickly around the living room, I have no time to do the animals during the day. The two 1.5-2 hour blocks I have during the day are times I need to run errands, do housework, have breakfast, shower, etc. so I can feel somewhat normal and productive as a human being. I don't sit on the couch while Maddy plays in her gated area in the living room, or anything. Well, not always. If she's content playing with her toys by herself, I let her be. If she's constantly trying to climb into my lap, I try to grab a book to look at or find a show for her to watch (yes, I let her watch TV. She's going to be the worst. child. ever. because of it. Whatever.). We spend quality time together. And because of that, I can't work on her mobile - little bits of felt and thread and scissors and paper within her reach? Yeah, no.

So I've managed to finish a seal, dolphin, monkey, rhino, tiger and gorilla in just over a week. It's not quite the speed at which I'd hoped I would be going, but at least it's something. I'm still being dogged by procrastination and moderate fear over doing anything else, but maybe once this is done (I plan on attaching the finished animals to a circle-shaped metal coat hanger with yarn), I'll be well on the way to creating a lot more. I'm trying to imagine how I could not only make money doing this (that goes back to my whole 'I sure as hell don't plan on working 2 full-time jobs so I can put my daughter in day care' plan come December), but also how satisfying this would be for me to do as a half-assed job. I really, really, really don't want to be spending the rest of my working life bouncing from job to job, hoping that whatever one I land at is it and that I'll finally be happy. I don't want to go back to full-time, out-of-the-house work until my daughter is in school, and that's 5 years away. There's still a semi-plan to go to school next fall for culinary arts; that idea may be pushed right off the back burner if I can't figure out a way to go to school but not work at the same time (also falls in with the 2-jobs-to-pay-for-day-care' thing). I need to make a decision soon... I go back to work for 2 weeks in less than 3 months. I'm not going to be there beyond my required 2 weeks, but I still need to pay bills.

But back to the point. I'm making a kick-ass mobile for my daughter. I may even try making a felt book for her next (one that I'll attempt to write) so she doesn't chew the hell out of her other books before she gets to actually enjoy them. I'm trying not to get too far ahead of myself in my creative plans, but if I don't have something sort of lined up for the next project, I know I'll just fall back into that procrastination/fear trap that seems to be just one step away.

Bitten

I don't know if it's the fact that I'm scheduled to go back to work in 3 months (almost to the day) or if I'm finding my life somewhat back to normal (thank you, Dr. Ferber), but there's been a niggling little voice in the back of my head for the last week or so, trying to encourage me to do some designing.

I have yet to actually do any.

For two reasons:

1. I don't have any decent design programs on my iMac. I've tried the free ones but I find them awkward and slightly clumsy. I do have an early, practically stone age version of Adobe CS on my iBook, but that requires me to actually use my iBook (I have one of the stinky ones). It's slow and old and in a small house with an 8-month old, hooking up yet another cord just isn't smart.
   
2. This part is two-fold, and has been mentioned before: I'm a procrastinator and I'm terrified of what other people will think of my work. The former is just a part of my personality that I haven't been able to solve in 33 years and likely never will; the latter is almost inconceivable as I've been producing work publicly for 13+ years now and never had a problem before. Now, though, because it's for a personal reason, worries about judgement and criticism (and not the constructive kind) are keeping me from sitting down and spending an hour even fooling around with what limited resources I have.

So, it sucks. I don't want to be the perverbial dowdy housewife who has no outside interests, or look back in 10 years and wonder why I didn't take a chance and do something with my half-assed creative skills. And if I complain about this one more time, I'll be that person, the one-note bitcher.

As tomorrow is my birthday (woo! 33! yay.), I'm going to take some initiative and set aside at least half an hour a day to work on some kind of designing, be it fiddling around with colour combos or figuring out how to use the new design programs I've got or even just checking out other design sites. I need to do something before my mind turns to mush and I end up smothering my child with overbearingness when she's 7.

Perhaps it's time to stop bitching and start doing

I'm still battling with time, for the most part, to get my act together and start doing something. There's a constantly growing list in my head of things I want to do in the next few months. In just over 3 months, I have to go back to work and my 'free' time will vanish. The plus to that (besides a better paycheque) is that I only have to go back for 2 weeks. After that, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I want to take the last couple of weeks of the year off, for both personal and career-related reasons (mainly, who the hell hires anyone at Christmas?); but come the new year, I'll probably have to find another job, hopefully one that lets me work part-time.

I wonder, sometimes, if I'm avoiding doing anything on purpose. I've always blamed 'fill-in-the-blank block' for preventing me from doing anything outside of what people may consider my normal habits. But really, who cares? If I'm doing something I enjoy, why should anyone else have the right to judge me? I guess in extreme cases (ie. criminal), my actions could be judged, but for the most part, it's my creative acts that I'm most worried about.

The kicker? I'm a graphic designer by trade. Also a semi-non-amateur (make sense?) writer. Yet, those are the two things I'm most worried about others passing judgment on.

Time to get over that hurdle. And fast.

---

Here's a sign of how much of a procrastinator I am. My iMac 'broke' a couple of weeks ago. I fixed it (thank god) and managed to salvage most of my files via backups. I have yet to create a single playlist in iTunes. Not even one for my daughter. Plain sad, if you ask me.

Life

Things have been crazy lately - Keith gone for a week, Maddy growing so fast, my computer dying twice, doctor's appointments, yardwork... so, of course, I've put off a few things, like this blog.

Every time I think I should post something, 'life' happens. Right now, we're dealing with our daughter's sleep issues by using the Ferber method to help both her and us get a good night of sleep for the first time in almost 8 months. There's also the ongoing battle to organize the laundry room, our filing system and our finances. I'm still working on a plan to make some extra money this winter so I don't have to work full-time. And yet, life continues to roll on.

I have a pile of coupons that have to be clipped for our monthly shopping expedition next week, there's a pile of envelopes sitting beside my computer waiting to be opened (no bills, though, thankfully), and I know there's a million other things that I have to do to try to stay sane. Yet, I keep putting a lot of that stuff off, leaving me feeling very overwhelmed.

And no matter how many times I try to get organized, I fail. I don't know if it's a lack of knowledge about how to organize properly or if it's just laziness and cutting corners, but something has to be done so things aren't constantly being put aside, to do another day.

Perhaps today's the day I get organized. A girl can dream, can't she?